Human Buoy

August 7, 2013 § 1 Comment


I haven’t taken a picture of myself in the water yet, so we’re going to pretend that the above picture is me and not a stock photo off Getty Images, and that I look this graceful when I swim now.

It is kind of amazing, you really do ride super high in the water when you have this much fat on you. ¬†And since people have been constantly asking me what I can and can’t do in the water now that I am this shape and size…

Things I can do:

  • Freestyle
  • Flipturns (harder to do when wearing a pull buoy)
  • Backstroke

Things I cannot do:

  • Breastroke kick
  • Butterfly
  • Get out of the pool without using the ladder (this was a painful, embarrassing lesson to learn)

In addition to the swimming part, I have taken it upon myself to very conspicuously waddle back and forth in front of the tan, skinny, bikini-clad 15 year olds flirting with the teenage pool guards at least 2x per pool trip and soak in the looks of combined fascination/horror, selflessly serving as cautionary tale for what can happen when you make certain life choices.

My work here is done.

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