I haven’t taken a picture of myself in the water yet, so we’re going to pretend that the above picture is me and not a stock photo off Getty Images, and that I look this graceful when I swim now.
It is kind of amazing, you really do ride super high in the water when you have this much fat on you. And since people have been constantly asking me what I can and can’t do in the water now that I am this shape and size…
Things I can do:
- Freestyle
- Flipturns (harder to do when wearing a pull buoy)
- Backstroke
Things I cannot do:
- Breastroke kick
- Butterfly
- Get out of the pool without using the ladder (this was a painful, embarrassing lesson to learn)
In addition to the swimming part, I have taken it upon myself to very conspicuously waddle back and forth in front of the tan, skinny, bikini-clad 15 year olds flirting with the teenage pool guards at least 2x per pool trip and soak in the looks of combined fascination/horror, selflessly serving as cautionary tale for what can happen when you make certain life choices.
My work here is done.
Rambulatory Ambulatory 
hahahahahhahahhahahaha. awesome.