So, this happened 2 weekends ago. And yes, I’m still alive, Yesterday was just the first day I’ve made a To Do list that extended beyond “try to get out of pajamas”.
More to come shortly.
every walk is a sort of crusade
I haven’t taken a picture of myself in the water yet, so we’re going to pretend that the above picture is me and not a stock photo off Getty Images, and that I look this graceful when I swim now.
It is kind of amazing, you really do ride super high in the water when you have this much fat on you. And since people have been constantly asking me what I can and can’t do in the water now that I am this shape and size…
Things I can do:
Things I cannot do:
In addition to the swimming part, I have taken it upon myself to very conspicuously waddle back and forth in front of the tan, skinny, bikini-clad 15 year olds flirting with the teenage pool guards at least 2x per pool trip and soak in the looks of combined fascination/horror, selflessly serving as cautionary tale for what can happen when you make certain life choices.
My work here is done.
Few things drive Spike crazier than seeing Nerlens sprawled out in his favorite spot on our front walkway from his perch in the front window. They are (in order of ascending levels of hysteria): a UPS truck parked anywhere on the street; any cat (or squirrel) other than Nerlens lying on the front walk; and the mailman.
Couple walks into Kroger:
“So, apparently we need to get gentle detergent to wash all the baby clothes and sheets and stuff before we have the baby.”
“Why?”
“I guess because the baby’s skin is super sensitive, so detergents can make them get rashes and stuff? And new clothing is covered in chemicals or something. Whatever, everywhere says that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
Enters detergent aisle and turns to the right:
“There! Perfect. There’s a baby on that one.”
“It’s $11.”
“Yeah, but there’s a baby on it. And it says ‘#1 Choice of Pediatricians’.”
“Anyone can say that, nobody ever checks those statistics.”
“I think that means at least one pediatrician had to say they prefer it.”
“Yeah, because they paid him to say that. It’s a total marketing ploy.”
“But there’s specifically a baby on the label. So it has to be gentle and designed for infants.”
“What about Seventh Generation? Isn’t that what we usually use? That’s like all natural, and it’s $5.69. Let’s compare ingredients, I bet you they’re identical.”
Turns bottles around, product formula not listed on either bottle.
“Goddammit, why aren’t they required to list what’s in this stuff? Isn’t that like an FDA violation or something? What about this one, This one has a baby, and it’s only $6.”
“That’s a child, not a baby.”
“So, what, are there no other brands with pictures of babies or words that say ‘hypoallergenic’ or ‘for infants’ or anything?”
(Scanning the aisle) “I don’t see any…nope. That’s it.”
“This is such bullcrap. You know they just stuck a baby on the front so people like you would walk in and pay double the price for exactly the same product. They’re trying to get you to pay an extra $6 for a picture of a baby on a label and you are TOTALLY FALLING FOR IT.”
Couple exits store, $11 poorer.
END SCENE
20 weeks vs. 35 weeks
What a difference 15 weeks makes (the light in our bathroom is terrible, which is why the picture quality is so crappy. And why I look like a pixelated vampire albino in one of them.)
Much like the rest of me, my “exercise regimen” has morphed pretty significantly in the past 9 months or so. I don’t think I fully grasped before how difficult it would be just to move when you’re shaped like this.
But anyway, in a nutshell:
Months 0-1.5:

Months 1.5-3:
Months 3-4.5:
Months 4.5-6:
Months 6-7.5:
Months 7.5-9:
…and that’s where we are.
Going on 37 weeks, I’m down to maternity videos and floating. But it turns out minimal walking + more swimming = back pain GONE. Yes, that’s right. I can waddle like a normal human being, and it is such a relief. Stairs are no longer my worst enemy. Things are looking up.
I’m also convinced the continued “exercise” has helped my sleeping. Well, that and the pillow.
So yes, my feet are like sausages, getting up from a reclined position requires superhuman strength, and I need Paul’s help taking my shoes off…but I really can’t complain. Things haven’t been that bad. And while I know that is largely due to genetics and luck of the draw, I do attribute at least some of my good fortune to the fact I have been able to keep moving–however slowly–in some way, shape, or form. It’s not always pretty, and I know for a fact that my two-piece suit has thoroughly offended the old ladies in the water aerobics class at the Y. But it makes a difference.
Time for a little science. Let’s go back to high school physics.
Force = Mass x Acceleration
or
A = F/M
So, what happens when mass gets bigger:
…and force gets smaller?
This. Acceleration rapidly approaches zero. Add some 90 degree heat with humidity on top of that, and you may actually experience negative speed.
And, as usually happens when I sit on the couch in my sweats for extended periods of time (see: here and here and here), running a marathon suddenly seems like a SUPER FUN idea and I want to sign up for a race. Or 10. I know it won’t happen for a while, considering I can’t even jogsuffle across the street right now, but I’ve started putting together a potential list of races for next year.
Speaking of moving, the Oatmeal just published one of his best posts yet (which is saying something) about why he runs long distances. Worth the read.
But for now, it’s more of this:
And swimming, swimming, swimming as long as I can. Just about a month to go.
In the meantime…find a way to silence your Blerches.
Adrift from Simon Christen on Vimeo.
But fortunately, I came across this. And it is amazing. The story of how it was made equally so.
Enjoy your Tuesday.
Our doors may not be closing completely because the wood is swollen, I may have almost killed myself sliding down the ramp in our yard because it is covered in moss, and Nerlens may have spent the last week making a racket on the back porch because he was confined to sitting under the overhang…but all this rain has been good for something:
Surprise! Our heirloom tomatoes are orange this year. At least they’re not all tiny deformed roma. One of the perks of taking random plants from the in-laws.
I know that doesn’t look like a whole lot of bounty, because it’s not (though, to be fair, we accidentally pulled up like 6 pre-mature radish plants before we realized they were radishes and not weeds. Who knew the tops of radishes grew to be like 2 feet tall with flowers?) But things this year are looking much better than things did in the brutal heat of last year.
last year
And things been blooming kind of consistently, in a staggered way for some reason. So we’re having a steady stream of veggies.
Next: learn how to cook turnips. Because Paul planted like 30 of them.
…and the excitement continues…